Posts Tagged ‘Governor Paterson’


The job interview.

Fran: Sir, you know I’m a huge advocate for women’s health. And don’t forget that I have diplomatic experience.

Gov. Paterson: Mhm…

Fran: Just…just try to put that whole ‘Nanny’ TV series in the back of your mind. I mean it was a hit, but there’s so much more to me…

Gov. Paterson: Mrs. Drescher, let me stop you right there. It’s not the TV series that concerns me.

Fran: Oh, then what is it?

Gov. Paterson: It’s your voice. You see, I’m legally blind and my hearing is slightly enhanced. So, Mrs. Drescher, when you speak I want to bang my head on this desk over and over again.

Fran: Oh…well, oh dear…

Gov. Paterson: Yes, and I’m doing my best to not squeeze your head until it pops and relieves me of this agonizing interview.

Fran: Goodness…Well, Governor, I  just thought that if a guy with a funny name could be president, a girl from Queens with a funny voice could be Senator.

Gov. Paterson gets up to hug Fran’s head.

Fran: Sir, please don’t squeeze my head.

Gov. Paterson: I’m not going to squeeze your head.

Fran: Ok, cuz I’m really worried you’re going to squeeze my head.

Gov. Paterson: Shhh, Fran. Shut up. I’m going to have a heart-to-heart with you right now. People used to make fun of me for having a lazy eye. I was capable of so much, but people couldn’t get over this little thing. I cried, Fran. I cried and prayed to God that he’d make me normal.

Fran: Governor, that’s really sad.

Gov. Paterson: Yes, but now I thank God that I’m not you.

Fran: Oh…

Gov. Paterson: You might not be a Senator; but, Fran, you help millions of people feel better about themselves because they’re not as annoying as you.

Fran: Well, I’m sure there’s a compliment in there.

Gov. Paterson: No…Not really. I honestly don’t understand why your husband hasn’t killed himself.

Fran: He’s tried.

Gov. Paterson: Fran, if it’s worth anything, I may still have a disability, but now I’m governor. So what if your voice is like a piece of metal farting. Don’t let me bring you down. Dream big. Within reason. I guess I’m trying to say do anything with your life. Just don’t run for public office, okay?

Fran: (Nasal laugh)

Gov. Paterson, with a gun he didn’t have before, shoots Fran Drescher.

Gov Paterson: (breathing heavily) Wow…that laugh is intense. It’s all right, now. I did the right thing. Yes, I have to believe I did the right thing. (Presses the button on his intercom.) Can you send in Rosie O’Donnell?


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